D to the C

That is right folks...Charly doesn't get a sibling just yet. Of course it is disappointing, but heartbroken...I don't think so! I love having a baby girl, and the thought of another one at this time just about drove me crazy. So January 18 I had a D&C. I had gone to see the specialist in Columbia, MO the Thursday before (at 10 weeks) and knew right away from the ultrasound that a D&C was where we were heading! Our poor sweet baby died at 9 weeks 5 days. 9 weeks 5 days is a long time in the life of a fetus... in 9 weeks 5 days you are now the size of a grape and resemble a small human. You have arms and legs and fingers and toes and all of your organs are fully functioning on their own. That's a lot of work, so I have to give our little one credit for working so hard and trying to make it. I know that all the babies that have grown inside me for a short amount of time have worked hard... but this one worked the hardest and tried the longest! I am saddened at the fact that never again will I have a child grow inside of me... whether it is for 4 weeks, 9 weeks or 40 weeks. Although I am saddened, I look forward to giving a baby (my baby) the life it was meant to have and the life it's birth parents can't give it. There is a sibling out there for Charly... I feel it. I know it. I look forward to the day I meet him/her!

What's in a number?

Since the second I peed on a stick and it showed positive, I knew I was in for lots of doctors visits. Monday was my first ultrasound since finding out. I called the doctor to schedule and appointment around December 7th and they scheduled me for December 31st! I couldn't believe they would want me to wait that long. How could anyone wait that long after having a history of miscarriages like mine? Later in the week they called and moved it a bit closer (the 28th) but all I had was days, hours, minutes, and seconds ahead of me to worry and wait.

The appointment went well... except for the fact that I was suppose to get in at 1 and it kept getting pushed further and further back in the afternoon until eventually I was laying in the doctors office with the transvaginal ultrasound being performed on me at aroun 4:15pm. Before I got the news I informed my doctor that whatever the news was, good or bad, I was ok with it. I had a beautiful baby sitting with her daddy in the waiting room, and my life was good. I was ok if this time it wasn't going to work out. The verdict: Doctor says things look very good and a heart beat of 160+ bpm. Doctor had her nurse call my beautiful baby and beautful baby daddy into the room to see the ultrasound and when he walked in the door she said "things look good" and he said "oh no!".

I know he said this for a couple different reasons... the first is because we have a baby and never imagined having another one so soon. the second is because he has been through this before with me and doesn't want to see us getting hurt (when the chances there are very high) and probably third is the fact that now we have 7 months ahead of us (hopefully) to worry about this little creature growing inside of me...

I've discussed being pregnant with a history of miscarriages many times in the last 2 1/2 weeks with my friends that have also had miscarriages. You know, you really don't know what it is like to have one, until you do. Of course people sympathize with you and they are sad for you, but they don't know the pain and the feeling of loss you have.... even the fact that you feel like you did something wrong or that you should have done something different. The fact that every time you go to the bathroom you freak out because you're afraid to wipe and see blood. You just wish you could go 9 months without ever having to wipe with the possibility of seeing that.

Today I called the doctor. Like I said earlier, I knew from the minute I saw the results on the stick I would be seeing my doctor or other doctors frequently, I was right. Monday was my ultrasound and blood work to check my progesterone. The level was 14.5, which I'm not exstatic about, but the doctor said over 10 is fine. Then Tuesday I had to go back after getting a call from her at work to check my ANA level for my lupus. This will determine if I have to go back on my lovenox shots or not. Results are pending at this time and praying that levels are low enough I don't have to.

Everyone talked about it...

When you adopt a baby there is this hidden secret behind it. You never want to have a baby of your own. Maybe for fear of betraying your adopted child by having your "own" baby, or maybe it is because you have wanted and tried so long and hard to have a baby that now you can't imagine ever loving a baby any more than the one you have.

I tried and tried for years to want a baby. I cried over it. I agonized over it. I dreamed about getting pregnant and wished for a moment that I could be pregnant enough to feel my child move inside me. It isn't that I couldn't get pregnant, it was that every time I did I was let down. I would get so excited, tell everyone and want to run out and start buying baby clothes and stuff and better yet start buying maternity clothes... and then voila... I would inevitable start to bleed and it was all over in an instant. One week I would see a heart beat and the next there was none. I had doctors that sympathized with me and soon I would learn that when I peed on a stick and it said I was pregnant, my happiness was no longer happiness but worry and terror. I new I couldn't be happy and I wouldn't allow myself to be. I new I would be hurt and I protected myself.

Things have changed...

I finally got the baby I always wanted. She is perfect... beautiful and smart and very antisocial (which I secretly love!)... She is a momma's girl through and through. When we got her people would tell me that it is common for someone who adopts to end up pregnant. I didn't listen, nor did I care. I had what I wanted and my life for all I knew was complete. I was happy. I had the best husband in the world and my baby girl. I was done.

I didn't write down on my calendar when I had my period or when I was intimate with my husband like I had for the past 4 years. I didn't care. Life was just for living... not for documenting! Then it happened....

I missed my period, or at least I thought I did and then again, maybe I was about to start... my boobs were sore. Days turned to a week or so and nothing. I took a test. I was shocked. I am pregnant. Charly gets a sibling.

I can't say that at this point I am excited or happy. As of yesterday I am 7 wks 4 days. The only sign of comfort that I have is the fact that the baby growing inside of me has a heartbeat of 160 which is amazingly strong. Will this work. Can I be happy. Can I get excited. Will Charly get her sibling? We can only wait and see....