What's in a number?

Since the second I peed on a stick and it showed positive, I knew I was in for lots of doctors visits. Monday was my first ultrasound since finding out. I called the doctor to schedule and appointment around December 7th and they scheduled me for December 31st! I couldn't believe they would want me to wait that long. How could anyone wait that long after having a history of miscarriages like mine? Later in the week they called and moved it a bit closer (the 28th) but all I had was days, hours, minutes, and seconds ahead of me to worry and wait.

The appointment went well... except for the fact that I was suppose to get in at 1 and it kept getting pushed further and further back in the afternoon until eventually I was laying in the doctors office with the transvaginal ultrasound being performed on me at aroun 4:15pm. Before I got the news I informed my doctor that whatever the news was, good or bad, I was ok with it. I had a beautiful baby sitting with her daddy in the waiting room, and my life was good. I was ok if this time it wasn't going to work out. The verdict: Doctor says things look very good and a heart beat of 160+ bpm. Doctor had her nurse call my beautiful baby and beautful baby daddy into the room to see the ultrasound and when he walked in the door she said "things look good" and he said "oh no!".

I know he said this for a couple different reasons... the first is because we have a baby and never imagined having another one so soon. the second is because he has been through this before with me and doesn't want to see us getting hurt (when the chances there are very high) and probably third is the fact that now we have 7 months ahead of us (hopefully) to worry about this little creature growing inside of me...

I've discussed being pregnant with a history of miscarriages many times in the last 2 1/2 weeks with my friends that have also had miscarriages. You know, you really don't know what it is like to have one, until you do. Of course people sympathize with you and they are sad for you, but they don't know the pain and the feeling of loss you have.... even the fact that you feel like you did something wrong or that you should have done something different. The fact that every time you go to the bathroom you freak out because you're afraid to wipe and see blood. You just wish you could go 9 months without ever having to wipe with the possibility of seeing that.

Today I called the doctor. Like I said earlier, I knew from the minute I saw the results on the stick I would be seeing my doctor or other doctors frequently, I was right. Monday was my ultrasound and blood work to check my progesterone. The level was 14.5, which I'm not exstatic about, but the doctor said over 10 is fine. Then Tuesday I had to go back after getting a call from her at work to check my ANA level for my lupus. This will determine if I have to go back on my lovenox shots or not. Results are pending at this time and praying that levels are low enough I don't have to.