Everyone talked about it...

When you adopt a baby there is this hidden secret behind it. You never want to have a baby of your own. Maybe for fear of betraying your adopted child by having your "own" baby, or maybe it is because you have wanted and tried so long and hard to have a baby that now you can't imagine ever loving a baby any more than the one you have.

I tried and tried for years to want a baby. I cried over it. I agonized over it. I dreamed about getting pregnant and wished for a moment that I could be pregnant enough to feel my child move inside me. It isn't that I couldn't get pregnant, it was that every time I did I was let down. I would get so excited, tell everyone and want to run out and start buying baby clothes and stuff and better yet start buying maternity clothes... and then voila... I would inevitable start to bleed and it was all over in an instant. One week I would see a heart beat and the next there was none. I had doctors that sympathized with me and soon I would learn that when I peed on a stick and it said I was pregnant, my happiness was no longer happiness but worry and terror. I new I couldn't be happy and I wouldn't allow myself to be. I new I would be hurt and I protected myself.

Things have changed...

I finally got the baby I always wanted. She is perfect... beautiful and smart and very antisocial (which I secretly love!)... She is a momma's girl through and through. When we got her people would tell me that it is common for someone who adopts to end up pregnant. I didn't listen, nor did I care. I had what I wanted and my life for all I knew was complete. I was happy. I had the best husband in the world and my baby girl. I was done.

I didn't write down on my calendar when I had my period or when I was intimate with my husband like I had for the past 4 years. I didn't care. Life was just for living... not for documenting! Then it happened....

I missed my period, or at least I thought I did and then again, maybe I was about to start... my boobs were sore. Days turned to a week or so and nothing. I took a test. I was shocked. I am pregnant. Charly gets a sibling.

I can't say that at this point I am excited or happy. As of yesterday I am 7 wks 4 days. The only sign of comfort that I have is the fact that the baby growing inside of me has a heartbeat of 160 which is amazingly strong. Will this work. Can I be happy. Can I get excited. Will Charly get her sibling? We can only wait and see....